The crucible for silver and the furnace for goldbut the LORD tests the heart.”  Proverbs 17:3

God’s word also says…”The heart is deceitfully wicked above all things.  Who can know it.”  Jeremiah 17:9 

So, based on that Scripture, how do we know when being honest with someone about our feelings for them ends, and the things we say to a person from our hearts then becomes  manipulation?   This is what I have been struggling with lately. 

Some women play games with men to keep them guessing if they are interested in them or not.  Even though I am sure men like a challenge, I think it’s wrong, dishonest, and cruel to play games with a man’s heart and mind.  Also, because of what I went through in my marriage, I now realize just how important honesty and communication is in a relationship.  However, I’m just not sure what is acceptable to God concerning a woman’s behavior towards a man.  Besides the obviously wrong ways a woman can act towards a man, what else would God consider as improper behavior? 

As a Christian woman, it is so hard to find a Christian man who not only loves God, but also has a sincere desire to live for Him.  And when one of us actually does meet a Christian man whom we would really like to get to know better, the desire in our hearts would naturally be to think of a way to let him know that we’re interested in him.  Not knowing what a man has been through in life, as well as what he has been through in past relationships, we could easily think that if we just take the first step to honestly and properly let them know we like them, and point out the good qualities we see in them, that it would  give them the confidence and courage to pursue us, if they also have an interest in us.  But would that be wrong and improper behavior on a woman’s part?  Would that also be considered manipulation? 

Because of the healing God has done in my mind and  heart,  and my determination to no longer hold back from saying what I think is important to say, I decided to take that first step and let someone know how special I think he is.  However, I may have taken a few steps too many and may have possibly destroyed our friendship. 

God has a way of exposing the sin in our hearts, and at the end of August on my way to work one day, I just ‘happened’ to turn the radio station, and I heard a sermon on the ‘Virtuous Woman’.  The comparison between the virtuous woman and the harlot was made, and the speaker shared verses on how the harlot seeks out the man and uses her words to manipulate him.  She said so much more that now escapes me, but what she said based on God’s Word brought tears to my eyes and strong conviction to my heart.

If that wasn’t enough, a few days later I happened to hear a Paul Washer sermon on the ‘Virtuous Woman,’ and again God used that to show me the woman is not the one to pursue the man, and never in Scripture does God portray the woman as being the one to seek the man; it is the man who  always pursues the woman, and it is only the  immoral woman who goes after the man.  Here’s the Paul Washer sermon…

Even though everything I said to him  I would also have said to him if Jesus was visibly standing in front of me, it became clear to me that I was not acting the way a godly woman is portrayed in Scripture, and I felt horrible.  I realized in my desire to make my interest in this person known to him, and how I admire the  deep love he has for God, and how special I think he is, that I may have made myself appear to be very brazen, instead of the godly woman I always strive to be,  since becoming a Christian.  Here I was running away from temptations that literally came to my door a couple of times, and now I may have caused this person to think I am forward and improper.  Sadly I realized how not only did I begin to see how my behavior did look that way, but also this person had been extremely manipulated in the past, and I appeared to be somewhat manipulating him too, even though it was never my intention to ever do that to him!  I was only trying to let him know that I really like him, think very highly of him, and would like to get to know him better. 

My heart broke as I imagined him placing me on the same mental list of all the others who had hurt and manipulated him in the past, and how he would probably never speak to me again, and in my heart I felt that it may be the very reason why I have not heard from him in such a long time. 

I wanted so much to share some of this with him recently, and even apologize to him, but I decided not to, not knowing for sure if this was something I should do or not.  So, instead of directly sending this to him in a personal message, and causing him to feel awkward and making him feel as if he had to respond, I decided to write and explain everything here and leave my rambling words, apology, and the following  poem in God’s hands.  I pray if he ever reads this, he will realize that everything I have said on this very long page, comes from a sincerely sorrowful heart.

I may be defeating the very purpose for writing this and the lesson God has taught me through this, because I am again about to say things to him that maybe I should not be saying, but all of this is weighing heavily upon my heart.  I feel all of this needs to be said in order to apologize and to explain.

The following words are directed to him, and I may delete this portion after a few months…

I just want you to know how very sorry I am for my behavior in my verbal pursuit of you.  Even though my words were never improper or ungodly, my role as the one trying to pursue you was.  I guess I was hoping you would respond and say you would like to get to know me better too.  So, once again, I am deeply sorry.

If because of my behavior you now associate me with those who manipulated your thinking, I just want you to know that I am deeply, deeply sorry.  I pray instead you will see that because of the fact that you have such a deep love for God, and that you are so committed to defending the truth of God’s Word and so like-minded and enjoyable to talk with, that it sets you apart from all other men I have met.  Because of those things, I guess I went to extreme measures to let you know just how much I care about you and how interested I am in getting to know you better.  Nevertheless, I am not trying to excuse my behavior…only explain it.  I am sincerely sorry, and hope you will forgive me.


I struggled and prayed for over a month concerning posting this introduction and poem, which all started one day as I was just recording my thoughts and the things God was convicting me about.  However, when I was talking to a young Christian friend of mine, she expressed to me that she was dealing with these same issues.  I then realized that maybe the Biblical truths that God showed me, as well as the poem that I wrote to express what was in my heart, needed to be seen by other women.  I am sure there will be many women will be able to identify with this poem and my struggle with trying to figure out God’s will on how we, as Christian women are to present ourselves to other Christian men as we interact with them, no matter what type of relationship we may have with them. 

We need to get to the point where we can completely trust God concerning every aspect of our lives, and that includes our futures and whether we will have someone to share the rest of our lives with…or not.

We also have to realize that God doesn’t need our help to make things happen.  If God has someone for us, he will give him the courage to pursue us, and bring it to pass in His time.  We just need to trust God, and keep our focus on Him as we seek to become the godly women He desires us to be, and prepare for the man of His choosing, if He does have someone for us, so that we can be the companion to him who will encourage, support, and respect him as the godly, encouraging, and loving man we are praying he will be.

I pray God will use this poem to cause  those of us who are women, to examine our hearts and our behavior in the light of God’s Word, when it comes down to the relationships we may have with men.  I pray we will not only realize our need to seek Him for wisdom, but also to search for the truth in His Word in these matters.  Our desire should be to glorify God through our words and actions, and be set apart and not conform to the standards of the world.

Our deepest desire should be to serve God for who He is and not for what we hope He will do for us, because He is worthy of all our  praise… no matter what.





Two people meet at one point in time,

One life is his, the other one is mine,

Divided by many miles, an ocean in between,

Not looked at by me as a hindrance, but to him it may be seen, 

A woman of virtue, I always strive to be,

Never wanting my words to manipulate, or to entice a man to me,

A poem, ‘SILENT VOICE OF HOPE… ‘  I did write, to show him what’s in my heart,

But did I go too far?  Should this have been my part? 

Lord, should I have even said those things, but how would he have ever known,

If the truth was never shared with him, and my emotions were never shown? 

A friendship we once did have, sadly,  no longer…so it seems,

Did my attempts to show I care appear to him as schemes?

Do I appear to him as others do, who controlled him from the start?

If this is how he believes me to be, it will really break my heart. 

Lord, where does my part begin and end, or do I even have a part?

When it all comes down to the matters of the heart.

Is it all just in Your hands, and is it all up to the man? 

Lord, teach me how to act, help me to put all my trust in You,

As I seek You in Your Word, about the things I should and shouldn’t do,

To You my life I completely give, and from this moment I will start,

To trust You and You alone, when it comes down to the matters of the heart.


Copyright© 2009 Mary K. Dalke/Living For His Glory/Living4HisGlory All rights reserved.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible New International Version® Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.  Used by permission of Zondervan.  All rights reserved.

Picture obtained from Photobucket -Worship- 3-1-6