INTRODUCTION
Many of us can relate to being in a crowd of people, and yet still feeling so alone. Well, that was how I began to feel towards the end of this one particular night…
Two years ago, the singles group I used to attend at my church was having a pig roast, and I decided to go. I met a friend as I was walking in, and prayed for God to orchestrate all the details of what table I’d sit at and who would be there. I had put all my expectations and anxious thoughts aside, and would just try to be who God was creating me to be.
I was hoping the man that I had recently met at ‘movie night’ would be there, but I was being very cautious about getting more involved with him. He seemed very nice, and by what he had shared with me I believed him to be a genuine committed Christian. However, by observing his behavior for a few months, I realized he didn’t seem to be committed to having a relationship with just one woman at a time. Because of all I had been through in the past, I was determined to only allow myself to become involved with a man who not only was a committed Christian, but also a man who clearly showed me he was worthy of my trust, and would treat me with respect.
As we walked into the appropriately Hawaiiian luau decorated room, my friend led the way to a table, and the man I was rather cautiously hoping to see, was sitting there. He asked her if she wanted him to move over so she and I could sit together, but she said, “No, that’s okay.” Her choice of sitting on his right, placed me sitting in the chair to his left. I clearly sensed my friend was also interested in him, so I just prayed for God’s will to be done.
We carried on a nice conversation during dinner, laughing and joking, as well, and he also talked with my friend. I just continued to pray for a proper attitude, only wanting God’s will, and not wanting to be angry or jealous of my friend.
After dinner was game time. My guy friend was all set to go and play volleyball, and asked if I was going to play, but I told him I wasn’t. My friend and I decided to go in the gym and watch the game, and she walked over by him, but I didn’t want to tag along, so I talked with some other friends. The game started, and I continued to talk with my friends, glancing up now and then to watch the game.
My friends decided to play a board game, and even though I prefer spending my time talking with someone so I can get to know them, rather than spending my time playing games, I decided to join them for a while. As I played, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that some people were standing there watching us, probably being drawn to our table by our cries of excitement and also those of regret by a wrong choice that was made. I happened to look up, and noticed my guy friend had been one of those who had been watching over my shoulder.
Later I looked up again, and he was gone. I wanted to show him I was interested in him, without being too forward, so after I finished playing the game, I went into the gym with my friends, and we watched the volleyball game. He motioned for me to come out and play, but I smiled, and shook my head, ‘no.’ Besides…you can’t play volleyball very well in heels. 🙂
As time passed, and I continued to talk with another one of my friends, occasionally glancing up to give moral support and encouragement to my guy friend as he played, I noticed at one point, that he had walked over to someone, and I overheard him say that he was leaving. My heart sank. He said ‘good-bye’ to all of us as a group, and as he walked past me, I looked up and said good-bye to him, and commented on how well he played.
These are my deepest, most private thoughts, that I guess I am now sharing with the world, but after he left, as I sat there among all the people that were there that night, and even though I was among friends, both men and women, I was sensing such a deep loneliness. At that point, I had been attending the singles group for three years, and even though I had a lot of guy friends, there was really no guy that I had met that I felt like I was connecting with. No one had the same passions to defend the faith and to expose false teachings, or had a deep desire to share the truth of God’s Word with those who didn’t know Christ. Yes, there were some godly men who were involved with the prison ministry, but I wasn’t connecting on a deeper, more personal level with any of them.
Shortly after my guy friend left that night, as I stood there with one of my friends, all of a sudden I sensed a deep overpowering loneliness come over me. Then, it was as if the faces of some of the different men there came towards me, like waves rushing in, bringing me down into a sea of overwhelming despair. I felt as if my heart was crying out, “Somebody choose me! Somebody love me!”
When I got home, that deep sense of loneliness stayed with me. I cried out to God, and He brought peace and comfort to my heart by making this fact become so very clear to me: God chose me, and God loves me. The reality of that truth gave me a deep sense of worth and value, and even though I still desired to have a man in my life, to love and to encourage, to share the joys and sorrows of life with, and to serve God with, I didn’t need a man in my life to make me feel that I had worth and value. I was also reminded once again, that when you have Jesus as Savior from sin and Lord of your life, you already have the most important thing that you could ever hope to receive in the short amount of time we are here on this earth!
Because I frequently write in a journal, I wanted to record my thoughts, and these were the words I wrote down before I went to sleep that night… ‘It was like my heart was crying out…”Somebody choose me…somebody love me!” The only thing that brought peace and comfort to my heart was the fact that God chose me, and God loves me.’
I wanted to somehow be able to express how I was feeling that night, and that’s how this poem came about.
God gave me His peace that night, and I rest in that peace even now, knowing that God is in control. I believe that He is not depriving me of a relationship, but rather He is protecting me from getting involved with the wrong men.
As I keep my eyes on Him, and continue to live for Him and pray and patiently wait, maybe the day will come when someone who is like minded, will pursue me and love me for who I am, and I believe he will be well worth the wait.
I’d like to share some Scriptures with you now, and I pray they will not only reveal truth to you, but also bring peace and comfort to those of you who may be feeling as I once felt:
“My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.” (Psalm 199:28)
“Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” (Psalm 105:4)
“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.” (Psalm 116:7)
“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” (Psalm 5:1-3)
“For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.” (Psalm 71:5)
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)
Scriptures taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
Living4HisGlory 
Hi Mary,
I can totally identify with what you have written here. I too, hold my faith and obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ as the most important part of my life. I too have been in a church setting where a man was showing interest in me whilst meeting other women! I have had to slowly learn that “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”
God bless,
Helen
Hi Helen 🙂
Thank you for your comment. Yes, sounds like you completely understand! Life can sometimes be lonely, but when we keep our eyes on Jesus Christ and trust Him one day at a time, we can live for Him more fully. The day may come when God may bring a truly godly (but imperfect), Christ following man into our lives, but until then, we will continue to “earnestly contend for the faith…” (Jude 3) Glad to hear that God has helped you to learn how to be content in Him. It took me many years to learn that lesson, but I finally surrendered my desires to God, and He then gave me His grace to be content in Him.
I stopped by your blog yesterday (and subbed, but didn’t receive a confirmation email, as WordPress message stated). I enjoyed reading your testimony, as well as the one that you wrote in poetry form. It was beautiful! (After reading your testimony I realized that we have a lot in common, too). I was also blessed to see that you are aware of the unbiblical nature of Calvinism…something, Lord willing, that I will be addressing here on my blog, as well, as soon as I finish the many series that I am presently doing concerning Catholicism in order to reach precious Catholics with the truly good news of the Biblical gospel and all that Jesus Christ accomplished for us; paying our debt to sin in FULL!
God bless you and your ministry, Helen.
Hi Mary,
I did notice you had “followed my blog” and I appreciate your interest in doing so very much. 🙂
I have been reading around your blog and noted many similarities in our lives. From our both growing in discernment, to marriage breakdown, to sisters with health problems (my sister has cancer). And this article you wrote about the loneliness of singleness struck a chord also in me.
Your comments of, “All of a sudden I sensed a deep overpowering loneliness come over me,” and “I felt as if my heart was crying out, “Somebody choose me! Somebody love me!” could have been written by me! That has been a lengthy battle of my flesh versus the Spirit for many years. I am more content now, but I am aware of the human flesh weakness towards wanting to be loved and wanting company. But it is far better to live a true and faithful life free to follow Jesus Christ without compromise than it would be to get entangled in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to follow Christ with his whole heart and life. It is an area that we need the Lord’s help with to keep us strong.
I have been and will continue to pray for you Mary.
God bless
Helen
Thank you for your reply, Helen. Thank you very much for your prayers, as well. You and your sister will be in my thoughts and prayers concerning your desire to remain strong and faithful to the Lord without compromise, and concerning your dear sister’s health. May God’s strength be made perfect in our weakness, and may His grace continue to prove to be sufficient for both of us, and for all of our brothers and sisters in Christ who are lonely. God bless you and your loved ones.